2006...so what?

So far, in this secular time schedule, the year of 2006 AC is one of the most confusing years I've ever encountered. I feel free in some ways, and trapped in others. My family al7amdoulilah is doing much better than last year; we have somehow shifted toward something honest, clean and pure. But my heart, my being, I feel like pure stagnation. Like a star which lost its life long ago but we can still see it shining from the sky. I have some many things to be thankful for, because no matter how bad ones situation is, there is always something far worse, pending of course on the eye of the so called victim.


A love stricken person who doesn't have his/her feelings shared could believe somehow that, that is worse then death. Some people actually die of that, a pure broken heart, but I know Allah doesn't give me things I am not strong enough for. Then someone who doesn't have his essential needs dealt with, always struggling about. I guess we don't realize on what level our lives depend on so many things pretend happiness. Some are satisfied with very little others never satisfied, EVER. So it’s never really a matter a matter of what cards one is dealt with, its more a matter of how one plays the game of life. I am not ungrateful for all the blessings that befall on me. I am just a little sad, for myself, these days the only friends I have, are the stars in the sky that Allah put there for my eyes to see, when I am shoveling up snow in the driveway early in the morning for my father. I watch, I talk to them.... because they just fill me with light and happiness. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I have many friends of course, am lucky enough to have found such deep souls. But sometimes, those deep souls behind those beautiful eyes, I cannot bring myself to reveal myself completely unto them. Is that lack of trust? Most certainly. Why is that? I've seen more people hurt with the truth, than hurt with lies.

Therefore, if I don't reveal my complete self to everyone, I figure I won't get unnecessarily hurt, by my own fault (which would be to confide in someone who wasn't worthy of it) because no matter what anyone else says, I would completely blame my own stupidity on the matter. I've been hurt a lot in this world, and that is not to gain anyone's pity or compassion that I say this, I say it so that people who know me or at least know what I have allowed him or her to understand of me, that they can somehow understand me better. I am a very private person, and I have walls around myself to protect my heart from being hurt, I maybe loud I maybe soft spoken, I may look shy I may look reserved. None of these reveal my true self; I am one way with certain people and another way with others. Everyone is multi-faceted, therefore like I said; I lean on the stars for guidance, to listen to me, for shelter from the craziness of the world.

Hopefully I get out of my phunk
Jamz