Vanity

After having gone through what it is I am going through, I can honestly say that it has been a period of growth, one that I shall never forget and never regret. I excluded myself from my friends, my family only so I could share an extra moment with him in my life. Stupid mistakes, that I have seen others commit but I could never understand why such stupidity could invade such intelligent minds. But now I understand what happened. I never remember feeling so beautiful when I was in his arms. Nor do I remember feeling so free. But it was all a sham, and we came back to reality oh too soon. Phases of my life are what make life so complicated nowadays.

Its ridiculous to even assume one understands a situation fully unless they have been in the exact same position as the protagonist. I still crave to hear his voice on the phone, still dream about his arms around my waiste, still reach in the middle of the night for his quiet face awaiting a kiss but in the end...all I grasp is emptiness...my infatuation with him was empty and filled with the vacuum of vanity.

He told me time and time again how beautiful he thought I was, how soft my skin was against his, even how he enjoyed my lips...does that make me a vain individual? Did I feel anything for him at the beginning? No not really...I thought he was cute, and I was attracted to him but feelings didn't develop. Then why are these feelings coming up now? Because I know for a fact that...human beings are...habit mongers.... when I called him every night it became a habit for me to hear him speak to me.... the words I wanted to hear. It became a habit for me feel his arms around me...like that was how nature intended life to be for us, it became a habit for me to expect his mouth to reach me every time we were in proximity.... but the habit has ceased...and so will these cravings and urges.... hopefully one day I will wake up and not expect his mouth to be near mine...hopefully my grasps will not come out empty and my vanity will fall unto shreds. But for now, I will long for them far away and concentrate on the task at hand...keeping warm on a cold December night.... yours truly
Jamz xxx