Sirens

(This is not a real story, stories I’ve read, movies I’ve watched and people I’ve known inspired it).

I remember when we didn’t fight and spend all day in each others arms, holding each other like nothing in the world mattered but us. But now, all the noises I hear are those of the ambulance, the sirens are roaring and my head is aching. It happened so fast, that I didn’t even realise that I was bleeding because the pain you caused me was so beyond my physical being.

The first time, we were in a fight about something insignificant, and you got so angry, so frustrated and pushed me against the wall and hurt my back. I was so surprised and horrified that I screamed and yelled ran out of the house in my night robe not caring what I looked like. I ran to my car, arms flailing, heart beating…and got myself on the road as you screamed after me to come back. When I got to my sisters house, in tears and in my satin bedrobe she knew something crazy must have happened for me to disturb her at this time of night. I explained to her what he had done in my absolute disbelief.

How could this have happened? I had it all set in my mind about what I was going to do the next day, while he was at work, I’d pick up all of my stuff, bring it to my sisters house until I could find a place to stay. When I had a hearty breakfast, called in sick, I rummaged throught my sisters closet, found a pair of sweats and got in my car with my mind set on finding a way to unstick myself from my husband. A man I had always admired until yesterday. I had to find a way to go….

Once I pulled into my driveway, noticing his car wasn’t there made me that much more releaved that I didn’t have to see him. Two years I lived with this man, not knowing what he was capable of; had I not been there yesterday, I would have bet my right hand that he would never harm me. So as I walk to my door, a familiar face greets me: “Hey baby, I took the day off so we could talk about yesterday”, he says, with that perfect smile he always uses when he wants to get out of the dog house.

I look at him, as if he was just a stranger in the street and walk past him, into my bedroom where I grab my red valise and I start packing. He looks at me incrudilus: “Baby what are you doing? We can talk about this, don’t do it. It was all my fault.”

He lay a hand upon my shoulder while he is quickly nuzzling my neck, my weakness.

I scream in frustration at my own stupidity, how could I even allow him to touch me?

I tell him: “I really don’t have time for this, let me get my stuff and get out of your way, I can’t do this. I really just can’t.” So, looking deeply into my eyes, he gives me the sadest look I had ever seen in my life, he falls down on his knees and nuzzles his cheek against my slightly englufed belly…He looks at me tears in his eyes, and asks me: what are going to do with the baby? How can one fight separate us, when we are ment to be?” Silently I cry within myself because those are the words I wanted to hear…He loves me, and he loves this baby. I can’t leave him, what will I be without him?

He pulls me into his arms and he kisses me with a passion I haven’t seen in him since the first day we met. When I take a shower that night, I look at myself in the mirror, recognizing the purple mark on my back, its still hurts but he promised he wouldn’t do it again. So I call my sister to reasure her that I am all right but I would be staying with my husband, and that we’d work it out.

In the 2^nd trimester of the miracle of my unborn child, I am fully rounded, and I feel as big as a house. And he hasn’t been around to take care of me, where is he? He had to work late for the past three days, I haddn’t seen him and he haddn’t even wanted to come see the doctor with me. I wanted to tell him the great news that by the grace of the sonogram, I was the proud mother of a baby girl. I made dinner, candles, music, and the whole atmosphere. He came home at eleven thirty again, tired with eyes welted to his face, no expression, no humor, nothing. I couldn’t believe he didn’t recognize any effort, I was mad, and frustrated and perhaps maybe my hormones had been an element. But I came charging at him. “What the hell…it’s the third time this week you come home late, no phone call nothing, and here I am waiting for you, what did I get? Nothing not even a kiss. That door got more love than I did. Whats going on with you? Are you….” The look he gave me stop me in midsentence. He had the look of someone who wanted to kill. “What? You think Im having an affair? Is that what you think? WOMAN? You think I enjoy spending hours at work, not seeing you, not seeing my friends?” Then he walked towards me charging, cornering me against the wall. “You better learn how to talk to me! I ain’t gonna take this kind of disrespect anymore. I don’t need to call if I am late. You know where I am, call the office!”And his hand slashed accoss my face. Crying and bleeding excessivly I ran to the bathroom not beleiving that it had happened again. And then the knocks on the door, told me it wasn’t about to end with just a slap. He said screaming against the door:“Woman! You better open that door, you wanted to confront me like a man, you need to know how a man gets treated.” He kept bagging and bagging until finaly the door gave in, and he charged and me sitting on the bathroom floor with blood on my tongue and tears. That sight didn’t stop him, he picked me up, shoved me on the hard wood floor, and when I realised he was about to kick me I kicked his leg. That only got him angrier. He walked with the determination in his eyes like he knew he was going to suck a life out of me. He kicked me and punched me and now all I can hear is sirens. The last thing I remember was running out of the house, running towards my car, and then finaly seeing my sister’s face.

The paramedic keeps saying, we might loose her but I was awake and besides the aches on my face and ribs, I felt alive.

When I woke up the next day, I was in dainty room, with flowers and plants. My ribs were hurting but something inside me was hurting more. And I started to scream at the searing pain, I was bleeding. A nurse was called and I passed out again. Its only right now that I realise, as I sit on this bed mending my wounds, wiping my tears, that I realise, I lost my baby. An ache that I had never felt before placed itself inside of me, a pain so profound, that it was as if someone had robbed me of my soul and I was just a lifeless body roaming about this world. I had lost her. How could I have allowed myself to loose her? My sister walked in, with her husband and 2 children. Looking at me as if they had seen death and it looked better than me. They kept me company for the most of the day, when I really just wanted to be alone. They helped me numb my pain, and I love them for it. As vsiting hours came to a close, he showed up, peeked his cocky visage in my peerage. I was scared and shocked and I pressed the red button for the nurse. He had the gall to ask me how I was doing. I looked at him in utter disbeleif: “How could you ask me that, when you know I lost her? I lost her..YOU KILLED her and took her from me!!” He looked at me, looking bermused as if he didn’t realise what he had done. He fell on the floor just the nurse came walzing in. She asked me what the problem was, and I simply told her that visiting hours were over, therefore I didn’t want to see him and I hope that he never came again. She alerted security about my problem and they adhered to the situation well.

That was two years ago, I have gotten over loosing a precious life, and gotten over loosing whatever it was we had, my husband and me. But at night I still hear sirens.

And sirens always tell me I need to remember never let someone else tell me what I need.

If you want more information on how you can help…www.domesticabuseaware.org

yours truly

Jamz