writers block

i can't seem to find words that better my thoughts
i keep grasping at metaphors and my similes are weak
don't know whats lost on me or if it were ever within me
words are the weapons of mass destruction
and can't seem to even shove forward food for thought
i don't know why, if my preoccupied state of mind
has left me bereft of imagination, of feeling
of soul, I used to just think of something or someone
and images would burn into my thoughts and
light thought my fingers for all to see
I used to close myself and describe a starry night
as a velvet blanket sprinkles with peals of light
i use to look at a sunset and imbibe its awe striking beauty
Alas a block, a brick of wall has set itself in front of me
has cornered me and I can't see anything beyond them
I feel lost in a maze of never ending gardens
cannot find words to say the very things in my heart
cannot find peace....
Writing is cathartic and i have not found a medicinal equivalent
its unleashes and eases my soul as effectively
as writing my life in words
finding those inscriptions in my mind
and put them on paper
to recognize me, with words
writers block is killing me

Keeping Dawson in My Prayers

In light of this Wednesday's tragedy at Dawson College, my own home away from home, I would like to make a prayer for the girl who passed away, Anastasia DaSousa, altogether I did not know you, and the only things we would probably have in common were that we both went to Dawson. But my heart goes out to you, and to your family who must not have expected to have lost you at the mere age of 18, and probably in such a violent manner. But hopefully you did not die in vain. Somehow we are more aware of angry individuals in our fair city, and are looking for solutions to amend your death. This Wednesday will be pink day, in your honor I will wear a lot of pink and raise money for a charity your parents set up in honor of your cruel fate.


I don't quite understand what is going on with the world nowadays. What is it about our society that has made people go insane? Because, he's obviously not the first and unfortunately he won't be the last ( the crazed killer at Dawson) but what makes them...These people? And what makes them get to a point of dislike and disregard for life? What is it that we have done to contribute to the upbringing of such a person and that there were no warning signs according to the close ones of this particular individual. I am in utter shock, I love Montreal with a passion and always thought of it as such a safe place. And I still do despite this incident.....I just wish I could understand for all those parents who are in the hospitals waiting for the doctor to say...That they will make it. I just want to understand for Miss DaSousa, ...I just want to understand...

I think everyone just wants to put their heart to rest...And undertaking the situation is the best we can do to pace ourselves.

Keep Dawson Victims in your prayers...
Jamz
ps. Saddened and heavy hearted child of Dawson

To Sitel...farewell

Tomorrow I am leaving Montreal..my beautiful city to embark upon yet another yahoodi adventure. I always enjoy myself there even though there are times I wish I could bury myself...or ask myself rhetorical questions such as "What in God's name told me to come back here??" but invariably I always leave having had a blast and a little sadness in me. I wish everyone the best, I'll miss you Frrrrrr( Frehewot) my etheopian wonder, Noel ( Roshashanaaaaaaaaa) and well Honduras
( Mr.Smart) ...everyone at Sitel has always made me feel CRAZY and happy even when the bulgarian terrorist was in view. I'll miss the crazy Mental things that my Bangali Slutty did ( Sanam eh hem...plz don't kill samir because who will you annoy when he's gone?) Hashim with his impervious beautiful eyes....I know i know you're not cute..your handsome bro..and Patrick with his obessesion with my books and his special Orange juice only on saturdays...
I wish I had pictures to remember the great time we had my peeps..!!! but I'll be back with a vengence and Pitro Terrorist will not and I mean WILL NOT intimidate me.
LOL do take care luvs bisous bisous
Jamz

A little escape from the city....natures bliss

For the past couple of years, every time summer has come around I have rushed off to a beautiful place just an hour and half away from Montreal city center. Its a little hideaway to keep my mind in check as well as a place where I make a substantial amount of money. It takes me away from the pressures of city life and all the advantages of them. Although summers up in the Laurentians have been a source of stress because of work, most of the time I'd wake up a coupe of hours early before work and holding on to my huge sweatshirt because its freezing in the morning looking up to see this natures beauty. There is a lake that misted up every single morning, so it was like we'd be walking through clouds in the morning an impeccable masterpiece that only The All Mighty could architect. I'll be off on June 21 insh'Allah.. I hope ya'll have a GREAT summer. After all the turmoil I've been passing through this year I find myself in need of a little escape, so I hope you guys will forgive me for not keeping my blog as updates as I usually do.
do take care my luvs
Jamz

G.I.P. ( Go in Peace) Goodbye luvs

Well the school year is over for most only by the grace of Allah and on this fateful Sunday great people are leaving a site of Montreal to embark into brighter endeavors and sun kissed destinations. This is my farewell to all the cows that made it worth my while to enjoy things I never would have hadn’t it been for them. You will be kept in my memories if our paths never cross again and they will be kept fresh always.

To Jiman, I'll miss your crazy laugh and the things you've taught me about Brazil, I'll always keep those thoughts near me. If I ever go back to Brazil, I'll remember you always. You've made those E.A.H.S classes bearable with your unforgiving frown and those special days where you'd always have a smile on your face. I'll miss you terribly but I'll be able to survive Con.u without my Brazilian terror Squad...hehehe


To Haytham, haha you'll always remind me of Dawson. Your crazy expressions and your passion for everything, you always reminded me of Mustapha and that's why I maintain my harassment of you. Mustapha is gone but you are still on this earth and memories of you will keep memories of him alive in my mind. But always know MSA Dawson 2003-2005 was the best...even though Montreal never quite suited your falastini tendencies. Enjoy Ontario aye...and keep that funk alive!!!


To Fiane...man..Those times I'll never forget, even if I have to go ALL the way to Cairo just to see you, I'll do it. You are like the silly big brother I never had. You taught me things that only an overprotective brother would..and always let me beat you at soccer. Kept me away from those "losers " or as you dubbed them at school. Never will I forget you..And I hope you go see Yasmine when you go to Cairo, tell her and her mother that I still have them in my heart and Mustapha too...I love you man..


Finally to Jeremy..Mmmm what can I say about this dude? He was always the quiet poet with the sweetest words to woo women, but he chose to keep them to himself. Always so quiet on the outside but so alive and wild once you get to know him...(or in my case when I harassed him enough hahaha). The most generous person I know to date, the kindest soul and just what makes a human being good. He is the essence of goodness; he makes me want to be a better person. I'll miss you oh so terribly. He's the kind of person who doesn't speak of superficial things, he juss makes you think and wonder and makes you believe in yourself. Open-minded, carefree those are the things that I love in him and that he has brought me to where I am now. If you ever come back to Canada, after Saoud sweetie...I'll NEVER forget you. I love you and your family and I will keep contact with you. Tell your mom I miss her. Can you believe it Germy? It's been 15 years we know each other!!!!!! I can't forget you and you better not either.

Time passes by too fast

Its nearly the end of the month already...how and when did that occur? If I were to sum up what I have done in the past weeks, I swear to you I wouldn't have the faintest clue, the only thing I know is that I went to work, and went to school the rest of my time kind of elapsed without my knowledge. Studying in my little dungeon has not been on help, I remember waking up last week and not remembering what day of the week it was.... isn’t that insane? Work/school/study is all I really have time for nowadays, and I kind of miss my social butterfly abilities. It is kind of dangerous to leave yourself into that kind of frame...because who knows...when you have time...who says your friends will have time for you? But I don't regret the way I've been passing these weeks for the simple fact that it has paid off. I mean the only people I am constantly surrounded with are my family. It’s nice to come home, have your mother cook a great meal for you...because sometimes I forget what a blessing that is. Plus the excessive studying has done me good with my finals, I have reached to the point where, when I go to exams I am completely confident in my abilities because I've been working like a dog for the past semester to keep my grades at this level. But when I woke up this morning and actually took the time to have breakfast, as well as reading the newspaper (something that I believe has actually become a luxury...in time that is) and I looked at the top of the gazette...feigning absolute disbelief is it really April 25th? Goodness, time has not stopped for me while closed the door on my study dungeon...nope the world still goes round people, still drink gallons of lattes at the local Starbucks, movies are still coming out..whether or not I can see them, people dying around the world...even the Canadians did something without my knowledge ( i don't mean the people of my fair country, i am speaking of the local hockey team...GO HABS GO).
Luckily, I've still snagged some interesting seats for the upcoming game this Wednesday, but I had to call in a special favor. I believe it will be the first time in weeks perhaps months that I have done something for the pure enjoyment of it...except for perhaps indulging in my addiction for shoes!!! (Unfortunately I've only taken one pair out for the world to see...but summer is coming up, all hope is not lost...they will see the light of day I promise!!!)

do take care luvs
Jamz

Malcom X

Yesterday, I was reading for the umpteenth time the autobiography of Malcolm X. Its something I usually do when commuting to school or whatever. I love to read, but Malcolm X is on of my favorite, and I always get dirty looks from my fellow commuters when I pull it up from my purse...because it does give the impression that I might be of the legion of "Black Muslims". Although I am black, and I am Muslim and people can clearly see that, because of my hijab, they either give me this.... scared menacing look or, they straight come up to me and ask me if I am a black Muslim, the Elijah Muhammad following kind. Usually I smile and answer their questions just because I don't want to be associated with that group of people.... but yesterday, this guy was terribly annoying and I didn't answer him, leaving him to his own means to draw his own conclusions...

Anyway the controversy of even reading his book in public shows just how powerful the book is. Even 40 years after his death, mention of his name still gives people a reaction, if they like him, their loyalty to his memory is infallible, but if they were scared, nothing and no one could tell them that he was a figure in the end of his life of peace.

When I read his book the first time, I was probably 14 years old, my sister was completely fascinated with him, and I just had to know what it was that was fascinating about a book, that had been made into a movie. I mean why would I read a book knowing its end. He dies; there is no way around it. But to assure myself that my assumption were adequate, I had to read it. All 466 pages, I had to be as engrossed as she was about this man, who had died 20 years prior to my birth.

When you read this book, I hope you feel the same as I do. Seeing the movie was great as long as you hadn’t read the book because the book was...in one word a masterpiece. Alex Haley made this book to be read as if one was talking to this inspired man, this strong and willful human being through the traumas of his very public and tragic ending.

From the words of an inspired youth...go pick up a copy of The Autobiography of Malcolm X.